Anatomy of the Inner Self

Welcome 2019!  I’ve worked through seven years of grief following the loss of my son and three months of grief following the loss of my husband.  It is time for me now. I’ve been waiting.

Well…it’s the New Year, isn’t it? I’m not into resolutions. That word is not powerful enough for me. I do like to start “again”….to clean and clear up an area of my life. This year I’m taking on one of my biggest areas….my own “creative mind.”

Sometimes we simply don’t see our own chaos. I’m no stranger to this. Right now I’m sitting in the middle of my work of several decades. Most of it lives in my office, but a big part of it resides in my mind. I don’t like it here. Part of me wants to run away, pretending that it doesn’t exist. The other part of me wants to delve into my big mess and explore what is in each pile and file. There are binders filled with blogs, articles, parts of books, some further along than others. There are notes, suggestions, affirmations, links to websites that interested me.

I’m never without a pen and notebook for writing ideas, etc. These all live in my files. They drive me crazy. I can’t let go of them, but they are overwhelming. My emotions are a mixture of confusion, delight, anxiety, anticipation, joy, anger and despondency. This is the “Ying Yang” of my creative mind. I love it and despise it. It has held me captive for most of my life. This is the year I’ve committed to “taking it on.”

Deciding and committing are very different mind states for me. Oh, I have no difficulty in deciding many things, but committing….well, that is frightening. Just the thought makes my blood run cold. I do not commit easily. For me, committing is a Sacred Pact with my Spiritual Self. In the past I’ve been successful with committing.

I think I learned this as a child. Being brought up Catholic, I had plenty of practice during Lent. I remember having to commit to giving up things I loved. I often tried to cheat by choosing things I didn’t care all that much about like giving up “bubble gum.” I was never really into bubble gum, but there was that part of me that knew I was cheating God. Worse, I believed that God knew I was cheating and that scared the “be-Jesus” out of me. I was sure I would go to hell, just like Father Joe yelled at the congregation each Sunday. I didn’t want to go to hell, so, I gave up something I really loved like going to the movies, never thinking that the new Disney flick was coming for one week only. I remember sitting in my bedroom crying at my bad luck. The movie was Dumbo. I still remember how I felt when all the other kids were talking about it. But, I also remember another feeling I had……I had kept my commitment!

That has served me well throughout my life. But…I’m still careful about committing. It always has a price. One of my biggest problems is that I want to do everything. I’m sure those of you who are reading the personal blog post understand this. This is the precursor of chaos. No one can do everything. No one can keep everything. No one can buy everything. This is not how one finds peace and contentment.

Commitment can help, but if we are not realistic, then commitment can work against us. We set ourselves up for failure. So, I think about my special commitment for this year. I really want to do this, but it is “huge.” Of course, this frightens me, but the fear is the creative energy that I will transmute. I know the way, but I have put this off for several years due to the death of my son. My concentration was not where it needed to be to take on this commitment. I’m better now….I’ve transmuted much of my grief into positive energy that I will use to take this project forward. It will not happen over-night. Nothing does.

WHERE I’M AT… It’s already February 14th. A month and a half of the New Year has passed and I haven’t done anything but think about what I want to achieve. I’ve accepted that I will never be able to write all the books that I have planned. This is an impossible expectation. That alone is a big step for me in this area of my life. I’ve always been a prolific writer/producer, but I do have limitations. I carried ten binders to what I call my “direct workspace.” This is like a “holding area” for prioritizing. It is a step in the right direction, but it is still possible for me to stall here.

I’m great at moving things and organizing, but it is still dangerous. I know this about myself. Oh, how difficult it is to know oneself. It’s much easier to live in my creative mind space and just think about what I’d like to do. There is a power in “not thinking and not seeing”. I’ve done that in other parts of my life, ending up shocked at the chaos and clutter that filled areas of my life without my seeing it at all. I’ve opened drawers without noticing what’s in them. My closet holds clothes I haven’t thought about in years. I move them around but don’t see them. There are things in my kitchen that are foreign to me. These are gadgets that I bought for some reason. Now I don’t remember why. I move them around when looking for my favorite mixing spoon, but have no relationship with them whatsoever. I don’t even think to get rid of them. That’s how blind I’ve become in that area of my life.

I believe we all have a purpose in life. I’ve started journaling and meditating, asking my Higher Self to guide me through this commitment. I know I need guidance to move me through the piles of work before me. It’s interesting what happens when I approach my chaos in this way. I tend to lose my anxiety and panic over what I perceive as a mess. The papers seem to organize themselves into some sort of order. I’ve been asked to define my most precious interests and to care for them as I care for those I love, for these are also my children. So…I take these “children” to a special area of my workplace. They include disorderly and secret eating issues, stress and disease prevention, learning self-hypnosis and applying hypnosis to lifestyle change.

I am committed to producing additional ebooks on these subjects to add to those I’ve already written and published. I have also committed to writing a book that has been in process for several years on nail biting and skin picking….issues from my own childhood. And….I have committed to publishing two novels I have in re-write at this time. One is dedicated to my son Michael, and the other is a murder mystery I wrote for my own enjoyment…if murder can be seen as “enjoyment.”

For those of you not familiar with my work in the field of Interactive Self-Hypnosis, I invite you to visit my websites and my author’s page. If you are looking to change what’s not working for you, or if you want to move forward in areas of your life that are “waiting”…I’m sure you will enjoy this unique process of self-development. For the next few weeks I’ll walk you through my “creative mind”. You can look over my shoulder and even climb into my “spiritual body” if you feel so inclined. Here you can “feel” what it’s like to be on purpose, to stay there through thick and thin, and come out the other side….stronger than before….just like I did so many years ago when I was a practicing Catholic. Now…I’m a practicing “Spiritual Being”, no longer afraid because I’m not alone. I wish all of you a very Happy and Successful New Year. Remember…prosperity is carried in both the mind and body…not just in your bank account!

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