If you are following along with me, I just finished reviewing the night I realized my deepest fear…that of “myself.” There is a part of me ( it still exists ) that is cunning and dangerous. Strangely enough, I like this part. She is creative and fun, but also can be dangerous. She is my addictive self and is always ready to suggest some “nonsense” to take me off the Path I’ve committed to traveling.Oh, how I wish I could go off with her and have crazy fun without having to “pay the piper.” What would it be like to eat all the things that smile out to me from the shelves of the supermarket, the restaurant menus, the fast food joints, the liquor store, the endless desire to buy things that appeal to me even when I don’t need them. What fun not to get up with the damn alarm clock, get in the car and just go wherever I wanted without any responsibilities to anyone. What would it feel like to erase the past and just to “escape” from everything? What if I never got sick from eating a gallon of ice cream, an entire pizza or a foot long hero sandwich with all the trimmings?
One day I wrote a list of all the foods I would eat IF I wouldn’t get sick. The list horrified me. I was beginning to know how very sick I had become. Then I made a list of everything I would buy if I had no limits or had to face the bill at the end of the month. I sensed the joy I had when purchasing things, or even ordering a cocktail in a restaurant. Just the thoughts made my mind race to a super-happy place.
Opening my dark place was becoming an enlightening, but frightening experience. So, it wasn’t just about food, but much more that needed tending. My “garden” was full of weeds, despite my being a successful professional, mother, wife and friend. I suppose one might say I was a “fraud.” It’s difficult for me to look at myself through that lens, but then again that is only a judgment that indicates where changes need to be made.
This information is very important for me to heal on very deep levels. This is what this year is about. From my work in the field of nursing and clinical hypnotherapy, I knew a lot about “dark places” of others besides myself. Perhaps knowing my own dark place, and being willing to explore it further, would help my patients as well as myself.
I’m not new to this exploration. I’ve done it for decades, BUT since my son’s death and my husband’s passing, the exploration has taken on a new “context.” I could only explain it by saying that “I feel like I’m being led to a Higher Place, and that in order to go there, I must clean up some of my dark areas.” I decided ( or to be more accurate ), I’ve been directed to review my own work “end to end”. That means listening to every one of my mp3 programs, and to read everything I’ve written, both in my books and journals. This is a big assignment. I’ve been given no deadline ( funny metaphor ). I’m also to finish writing the books I’ve been given to do. Looks like I’m going to be quite busy!
As I return to the night of my “big fear”, I wrote in my journal that I finally stood up and walked into the kitchen. My journal was on the kitchen table. I sat down and wrote a few rules that seemed to be dictated to me from a voice speaking to me from within. God, I wanted a drink! The first rules were simple. I was not to eat except at meals. The meals were to be at specific times. I could have snacks, but they were to be at certain times. ( Oh, I was not liking this.)
Then came an odd rule. I had to eat “at the table” which was to be set with my best china, cutlery, glassware, linen napkin, and with a fresh flower in a vase. When I packed my lunch for work ( no fast food or food ordered in ), I was to do the same. I was to keep the china, cutlery, glassware, linen napkin, etc. in the office. My food would be packed in “new” attractive plastic containers, and each day I would be serving myself something delightful. “Oh my goodness. This was becoming a real chore.” The truth was I never made plans about anything. I ate whatever was in the fridge. I ate in front of the television if I was alone, if family were home, I ate while cooking, then just sat with them. No one ever seemed to notice.
Now…I had these rules. The child part of me was screaming, BUT….she liked the idea of the formality of the setting. That interested me. Why? As time passed I began to understand…it was a beginning to my inner healing. Today I’m reviewing an mp3 called “The Mountain.” It is a hypnotic journey into my past, and then up the mountain to the “summit.” I love this program. You can find it in my Catalog on my website. The link is below. It’s in the Learn Self-Hypnosis Series.