One never knows when a plug is going to be pulled, or a lesson is going to appear.
Some plugs have more impact than others. But even small plug pulling can provide an opportunity for “roads less traveled.”
Yesterday we lost our cable connection. No TV, no internet, no phone. Thinking it would only be for a few minutes, I went on with my life, but after an hour my ansy-Self checked it. “How long is this going to be? What if it is off all night????” And yes, it was. The worst scenario. Having to make “small conversation” through the entire evening. I was stunned to feel my uneasiness and displeasure with having to do this. Of course, I could have read a book or spent some time writing, but I found mySelf more interested in my emotional reaction and the behaviors that accompanied them.
“How will we know when it has been restored?” My husband’s concern. So, I wasn’t alone in this world of not liking my patterns disturbed. “Let’s leave the television on, so when it comes back we’ll know immediately.” Oh…immediately. Certainly wouldn’t want to miss a minute of anything trivial.
I decided to do “nothing of the sort”. Instead, inviting my “journal master” to join us, I suggested that this would be a good time for us to converse at some deeper level, I mean something other than what was found on the last refrigerator hunt. Or, what should we do on the weekend, etc. “Deeper level??” Sensing the uneasiness, deciding to ignore the emotion, “just begin” said my “journal master.”
Rather like “speak-journaling.” Oh…will secrets slip out as I let go or jump off the cliff? “Would that be so terrible…to speak my truth?” Sensing mySelf removing my protective jacket, my words feeling permission to flow. Like opening the faucet. Shifting in the chair, releasing some tight areas, the words enjoying the freedom from the obstructions. Asking mySelf, “How often do I practice obstruction?” Practice obstruction. Now there is an interesting concept. But yes, I do this habitually. There are so many ways to do this. Some are direct, while others in-direct, such as living in my private patterns….that have now been removed by the cable company. The cable company as Therapist. Comcast CEO sitting at her desk. “Exactly what will happen if we turn off the service to homes all over the city? ” Her desk? Well, yes. This is more woman-speak. Apologies to my male counter-parts.
My counter-part is waiting in anticipation of what comes next. Now, my obstruction coat is invisible, but I’m sensing that he knows I have it off.
I hand him a copy of my Therapist’sCOUCH blog. I honestly don’t know why, but it seems like a good jumping off point for the evening’s proposed deeper conversation. ” Do you really post this on the internet?” Well, yes I do. “People actually read this?” Well, yes they do. “Why?” I honestly don’t know. Perhaps it helps them in some way.
“I never realized you had so much stored anger that went back to your childhood.” Well, it’s not something I’d discuss at the end of a work-day or over dinner. Besides, it’s my inner work. Things I want to explore and put to rest on my own. Noticing that “inner work” is not a comfortable phrase. Too psycho-babble.
Realizing that as a therapist I have a tendency towards psycho-babbling, perhaps obstructing our relationship at some level. Something I can change. Never really thought about this before. Always so busy jumping from one activity to another. I tend to treat my life as an non-ending marathon that I’m obligated to run and run and run. That’s what is great about “therapy”, whether it be with a professional or self-administered. We stand still in quiet, non-judgmental observation. We witness our life as it has played out, or as it is playing out. We have the opportunity to spend time in areas that we often by-pass. In this instance my conversational tonality and choice of words. After all, I’m talking to my partner, not a colleague. I also wonder if this is a subconscious way of blocking or obstructing. My answer to this is….yes.
I ask my “journal mentor” to open other areas where I obstruct. Feeling like this is an opportunity to show me other aspects of my Self that will benefit this special journey.
My mentor agrees to oblige, taking out a ridiculously big folder! Oh…