Do you ever wonder “why,” you said yes to some project? Of course, I could just drop this whole thing, but there is a part of me that simply doesn’t allow it. “Start it….finish it.”
OK…Now I’m up to Day 12 on my writing challenge for NHBPM…National Health Blog Post Month. I feel like I’ve been writing for the entire month. I’m still trying to uncover my discontent with the project. It reminds me of certain courses I was obligated to take in school & the resistance that accompanied them. I’m well aware that it makes things harder when the attitude is shifted towards “negative.” In all honesty to NHBPM, it’s not just this project. I also have this same attitude towards other things. Perhaps I’ll make a list of them one day. I know I’m not alone in this quagmire.
OK…I’m settling down now.
Today’s Assignment – Call BS on something. I find this subject ridiculous…
More than that, I’m finding it difficult to wrap my mind around this. I’ve been writing a good part of today & so my mind is still in those areas of focus. I’m doing NaNoWriMo, which means I’m re-writing my novel…The Snow Crocus. I’m deeply involved with my main character…Lily. I’ve re-written her character a few times now & I’m moving much closer to my own inner self. I didn’t intend on this happening & even tried to avoid it, but that part of me & my experiences keep coming up on the page. Perhaps this is something that is just ridiculous.
I SHOULD LET HER SPEAK & LET HER BE HERSELF. Under the circumstances, it is just ridiculous to keep pushing her out & denying her the right to “spill the beans.” I’m not sure why I felt so strongly about not letting her “be.” Part of me didn’t want to go back & re-hash these parts of my life. Another part of me didn’t want to share this with my husband who is sure to read the book before I publish it. I don’t want him to read too much into Lily’s thinking & choices.
Lily is about to take her own life. Like me, she has lost her son. Like me, her life has been very difficult. She is grieving, but has come to the realization that her life is “flat.” Her relationships are flat. She has no purpose or desire to aspire to anything. As Lily explains it, “It’s time to write the last paragraph, place the period at the end of the sentence & end the story. This is what she writes in her journal on “her last day.” Obviously, this is the juncture where Lily & I part ways. I’m nothing like her, but I do “get her.” I know those feelings. I’ve lived them before in other circumstances.
While I never thought about ending my own life, I can understand wanting to do that. I have deep compassion & understanding for people who find themselves in deep, dark places. I’ve been down in those trenches, but there was always something that I was able to grab to pull myself up. I know it is only a few short steps from that place to the final period that closes the book.
I think it is important for me to allow Lily to express these dark emotions. Not to do so is “ridiculous.” For me to have any fear or reservation around this is ridiculous. This is part of my creative process. So…to follow my assignment for today….IT IS BS NOT TO FOLLOW MY CREATIVE PROCESS & TO ATTEMPT TO DENY IT ACCESS TO THE STORY.
Lily is not unlike many women I know. As I mentioned, I do know parts of her intimately. She is a woman who has always worked to everyone’s pleasure. What’s interesting about Lily is that she doesn’t know that she hasn’t been happy because she hasn’t experienced TRUE JOY in her life. She simply doesn’t think deeply about things like that. She is too pre-occupied in daily tasks. And then, she suffers a major loss that literally “cracks her shell.” The true Lily comes seeping out of the cracks & for the first time she no longer cares about pleasing anyone….as her anger subsides, she finds herself in no-mans land, living among the dead…where her son now resides. As her husband Todd screams at her….”You might as well be dead Lily.” Little does Todd know that Lily has already considered this.”
Now that I have everyone depressed, do know that Lily is about to go on an incredible adventure through her mirror…guided by an angel she met early on in her life. The story is filled with angels who wander amongst us, watching & waiting for the right moment to take charge & bring new rainbows into lives without color.
So…I’m DONE WITH RIDICULOUS. I can hear my inner voice saying “angels in mirrors”? Oh, give me a break. Now if that isn’t RIDICULOUS, what is?
“Well, excuse me Inner Mind.”
Stop locking your “believability door”…and choose to BELIEVE. You may get a big surprise!