Locating the “Crux”

“We all know the importance of getting to the “center” of things or the “heart” of the matter, but sometimes the “center” or the “heart” isn’t where we think it is”….Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht

I look to the workshop group. A hand is raised, almost apologetically, already giving me insight to the questioner. Appreciating the seriousness of this action, knowing I’m about to receive an opportunity to enter someone’s private realm, I move from judgment, quieting my own mind in preparation. All questions are important. For many, it’s not easy to “speak out loud” & especially to ask a question because this “opening” allows others to peak into quiet corners, perhaps some of them hidden for years. This is the path to the “crux.”

The questioner, Pam has bulimia but has been binge/purge free since starting the workshop three days ago. How I answer her question & whether I allow others to engage may make the difference between Pam’s future success & self-management. I take another hypnotic breath, taking myself to my highest realm of awake-awareness. This is where my ability to see & sense is at it’s keenest; a place where my own subconscious mind will meet Pam’s, giving me even more information than she verbalizes. Her apologetic hand movements have already clued me as to her mind-state…..cautious & fearful but wanting to go forward into recovery.

As teachers/writers, what we say, be it written or spoken word will have an impact on those who are the receivers. Such is the power of communication, that even words that don’t appear to be profound on the surface can change lives dramatically…..both positively, as well as negatively.

And so, we watch what we say & live with the intention to help each other along without harming. This means staying out of “ego” & in the presence of Higher Self.

I like to think that each one of us are teachers & students at the same time. It feels good to know that each day as one goes out into the world, the power is present to help someone to change in a positive way, even if one doesn’t know & especially if one doesn’t like that person. We can all deliver positive goods….

I engage Pam’s subconscious mind to participate in opening her question, wondering what part gave her the courage to open & thanking that part through my own subconscious communication.

I’ve been binge & purge-free for three days, but I have no confidence & feel like I’m walking on the side of a cliff where at any moment, the wind can blow me off. How can I help myself?

Pam’s question is beautifully decorated in metaphor, already setting the stage for the next part of her work. I notice the other participants are fully engaged, most likely having felt the same in their own life experiences, be it related to disorderly eating, or other addictions or destructive habits.

I ask the entire group to participate as “observing practitioners” as Pam self-explores, looking for her “crux”.

MIND EXERCISE

Let’s all become still now & sense what stillness feels like….in your body….in your mind. And now, become ever more still. I give each of you a dial that you can turn to the left to become more still than before. Go down as deep as you like & enjoy the sensation of deepening. If you prefer to utilize visual images, perhaps you can go down those stairs over there, or float in the sea on that beautiful raft, counting yourself down from five to one.

Everyone but Pam will stay over there & Pam will come with me now. Here is the key to your daily path. Open the gate now & step onto the path. This area contains all of the patterns you have developed & that usually play out in your mind & body on any given day. Each pattern is accompanied by the usual emotions that participate in the particular pattern. Take your time & walk around your daily path, paying particular attention to the patterns…… & when you have finished, I’d like you to return to where I’m waiting for you.

It’s easy to see where your daily stress’ are located & also to know what they are about. I’d like you to ask the patterns to line up according to their level of stress…..highest in the front….lowest in the rear. Go ahead now…. Now ask your binge-purge childSELF to show you which ones are the most bothersome to her. And when you know that, ask that pattern to come forth, complete with all emotional states.

Pam chooses her relationship with her boyfriend, as well as her financial worries. Her mind shows her that these are holding hands, meaning they are related. There is a definite conflict here. She tells me that she can solve her financial difficulties IF her boyfriend moves back into her house but she doesn’t love him & wants to enjoy her home on her own. Her boyfriend senses her weakness & continues to press the issue.

This situation most likely forms the “crux” or the center of Pam’s eating disorder. There may be more to this, but it is close enough for Pam to start working in positive ways.

I’m asking Pam to ask her binge-purge childSELF to state what she needs. The child is silent & this distresses Pam, who assumes that the childSELF doesn’t want to be better. I explain that this is not necessarily so, but even if “she” doesn’t want to be better, this is not the choice of the childSELF. This is the choice of Pam’s mature/adult & Higher Self. Pam needs to stand in the shoes of this part of her & to bring discipline to the childSELF. In order to do this, Pam must practice in the theater of her mind.

I indicate where the theater is located on her path…. we’ll go over there & begin in the next blog.

Fighting My Inner Voice

Fighting my Inner Voice

As I look back at my past relationship with food, I don’t believe I would have changed IF I had not gotten so sick with “hyperinsulinemia.” For those of you who don’t know what that “big word” means, it is pre-diabetes…insulin resistance and insulin overproduction. It is also called “Metabolic Syndrome” and “Syndrome X.”

I couldn’t care less about what it was called. I honestly didn’t know anything about it. I only knew what it felt like and it was very frightening. Throughout my life I had anxiety attacks, never realizing the reasons behind it. “Hyperinsulinemia” isn’t something that happens one time. It happens over time, and symptoms can last for decades. Sometimes they speed up depending on family medical history and personal dieting history, as well as exercise history, but other times they happen “on occasion” when certain foods are eaten out of balance or food timings are out of whack. I had no idea about any of this. All I knew was that I was a compulsive, out of balance eater, preferring to snack and not eat regular meals. I delighted in bingeing, but unlike some who binge, I did not usually eat large portions of foods. I did, however, eat continuously….a bite here and a bite there. I had no idea what kind of impact this had on my pancreas, liver and other organs in my body. I was blind to all of this….unfortunately.

Waking up to the truth was a frightening experience. I didn’t trust myself to be able to control my relationship with food. Food was my answer to all stress….it was my major release tool AND it was deeply embedded in my subconscious mind along with the behaviors/habits that accompanied it. To make matters worse, I had a high level of hyperinsulinemia which meant that I would have problems balancing the amount of food I needed in relation to my exercise and stress levels. Strangely enough, I needed a lot of food, but the right kinds and at the right time. All of this was foreign to me. Asking myself to change everything and keep the changes “in motion” was the base of my fear.

I always considered myself an intelligent, successful professional person….easy to get along with and fun-loving. While all of this was most likely true, there was another part of me that ran my life in a disorderly fashion. This was my addictive self. Through the decades of my life it was my best friend and set all the rules for managing whatever stress came along…and there was a lot of that.

I married at a young age, moved to Europe, had adjustment issues including being lonely and frightened. I answered the anxiety with sugar and carbohydrate foods, over-exercising and other compulsive activities. I was completely unaware of what was happening inside myself. The anxiety and depression, made worse by the hyperinsulinemia went undiagnosed for decades. This became my new normal as the decades moved along. My symptoms were seen as some sort of anxiety/neurosis. I turned to more secret eating, alcohol and prescription medications offered by doctors who strangely enough never asked me anything about my family or personal medical history or what I ate. There were always the usual questions about past surgeries, but nothing more.

When I came upon the information about hyperinsulinemia I was blown out of the water. I was happy and horrified at the same time. I realized how much damage I had done, frightened that I wouldn’t be able to reverse it, and at the same time scared to death of that part of me that would not let me change. That part would rather kill me than help me. When I woke up to this reality I found myself frightened of ME. I remember the moment the revelation was brought to me….I must have sat for an hour in the chair before I could move into any sort of action. The fear was so huge that I was afraid to stand up and go anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. In a way, I was paralyzed.

Being afraid of “who I was” was an unraveling experience. I remember praying. I remember being freezing cold. After a while, I heard a little voice tell me to “move.” I stood up and found a piece of paper. I wrote some simple directions to follow….beginning rules. It was “as if” I had been sent to some sort of rehab hospital and needed to be told everything in a step-by-step manner. I knew there would be many rules, but I would be well again. This seemed to be certain, most likely an answer to my prayer. I felt some energy flow back into me, but not like in times past when I would decide to “diet” or start an exercise plan. This was a very different feeling. I felt like my tired body had been given a new spark plug, but it was going to take a long time to get completely well. My compulsive self had been replaced by a patient self that was willing to walk the path step by step along with “whoever” was leading me in those early moments.

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